Hello, hello, welcome to the Get a Six Figure Job You Love and Thrive podcast.  I’m recording off the cuff today. I just got off my coaching call with my group  and the preliminary discussion was about feeling disappointed.  And  disappointment  is something I’m gonna discuss today, so stay tuned. Hello, hello. Okay, so  this was something that kept coming up today  in our coaching call.  And I wanted to kind of dig into like, why we feel disappointment, where it comes from.  Well, you probably know why you feel it, but how to manage it and how to kind of think about it  in a way that isn’t so heavy.  So  we know why we feel it is  usually because something didn’t work out the way that we wanted to,  or in some cases, we didn’t. perform the way that we wanted to. didn’t take the steps. Maybe we disappointed ourselves.  Like we wished we had done something differently. That kind of thing. Or it could just be like we didn’t get the outcome and either you blame yourself or maybe you don’t blame yourself. You can feel disappointment anyway from those reasons. It’s usually not a comfortable, not a good feeling to feel. um So the problem when we  look at disappointment in the way of like blaming ourselves is that we  add a layer  of suffering to that because there’s disappointment on its own. You can be disappointed that you didn’t get the job or that you got rejected or you can be disappointed about that and you can be bummed out.  But when you add on top of it, I should have done better. I should have said this. I should have gotten into this energy. I should have been able to answer that better. I should have.  Right? When we do that, we layer  on the disappointment gets bigger and we add more suffering to ourselves when it’s not necessary.  We think that’s the solution. We think we need to do that and our brain thinks that when we do that we’re going to perform better next time.  But really that’s not necessarily true. Maybe it is true sometimes but it’s not necessarily true because think of it this way. If you  are trying to climb a mountain  and  every time you go to reach for a vine or you reach for a rock to like grab your grab on and and move the next step up and you get slapped your hand gets slapped you’re gonna pull your hand away and then you’re gonna be really scared to put your hand back up there right you’re gonna be scared to get it wrong get it in the wrong position hard to get you’re gonna be scared to get slapped right  so  that is what we essentially do when we beat ourselves up  for not performing the way that we wanted to or for not doing what we thought we should have done and that’s the layering of disappointment and it doesn’t encourage you  to move forward necessarily stronger it doesn’t give you the lessons that you needed because it just has to be focused on pain like ah  I sucked I should have done that better I should have said this better  I should have followed up on that right and so there’s the disappointment of just you know that didn’t work out and I feel like I did everything I could and it still didn’t work out. That’s one disappointment. And that’s, you know, normal, healthy disappointment. And then there’s the other kind that’s like, it didn’t work out and I should have, and I should have, and I should have, and I should have, right? And that is where the layering of the suffering comes in that isn’t totally optional and not necessary. So we think, we, our brain thinks, we think that beating ourselves up and telling us we should have done this, this, and this, and this better is helpful and that it is going to help us do better in the future. But I do not think that is the best way. Actually, I don’t think it is the way that  that we would want to be treated as kids. If we had the choice, I don’t think it’s the way we would have wanted to go.  Although that’s how most of us were raised. It’s like you should have done better. Why didn’t you do better? And it was like scolding and like you’re in trouble if you didn’t do do it right the first time. Right.  But the result that creates is fear, fear of trying again. fear of getting it wrong because if you get it wrong that means you’re gonna get slapped. You’re gonna get in trouble even if it’s by your own brain,  right? And your own brain is gonna be like, ah, you’re not gonna like how you talk to yourself after you  do something that didn’t, like you didn’t do perfectly in your own mind, right? You’re not gonna like how you talk to yourself.  And so what we really fear  is the way that we talk to ourselves  in that way, like, oh, I should have done better. I should have known that already.  How could I not have? It was so obvious. I should have figured that out. Like in interviews a lot of the time and um this was happening today. My clients were kind of second guessing themselves and being like, I should have said that I know better than that. I knew that I should have done this. Right.  And they didn’t.  And so that  that layered suffering is what will have you  ruminating, fearful and have you in a disappointed state for longer when  when it’s optional. So there’s one thing, the clean disappointment, I’m not saying don’t feel it, that’s fine. Yes, I’m bummed out I didn’t get that opportunity. That doesn’t feel good, right?  But now what you can do is you have a choice. You actually can get into curiosity about why you didn’t behave the way you wanted to behave. You can get into curiosity about why you didn’t take that opportunity farther, why you didn’t do the thing  you now see,  20-20 hindsight, you could have done that might have changed the outcome. you can now see that very clearly, right?  So  instead of going straight to I should have, I should have, I should have,  you want to go to,  I wonder like  non-judgmentally, completely no judgment, why didn’t I  do that? Why didn’t I ask that question? Why didn’t I get into curiosity? Why didn’t I go after that referral that I got?  Why didn’t I, you know?  And that’s where… the information that is actually useful comes in because then we get the information about what was going on in your brain, what your momentary response was,  what your real fear was.  And with that information, we can now do something and you can actually learn the lesson that you needed to learn from this.  And you can actually move on with strength  because another mistake that people make is they will just tell themselves,  I just have to get over it.  I just have to move on and get over it.  And the problem with that is, is that your brain doesn’t know how to do that. It doesn’t know what to do with that directive, right?  It’s like saying, you just have to lift that insanely huge rock above of your head. You just have to go do it.  But if you don’t have the strength to do it, or you don’t have a lever, or you don’t have a tool to do it, you can’t do it because you physically don’t have the strength. That’s just not physically possible, right?  So,  You could try to get over it, quote, unquote, but you won’t be able to get over it. So the way that you actually get over something is by first processing it. So you can process an emotion, but many different ways. And that’s the clean emotion, like the emotion. um Just it’s like energy that moves through your body. It’s always temporary. It never sticks.  You don’t stay with one emotion your whole life because you never,  know, emotions are just temporary things, good or bad ones. So  processing it. But then also getting to the bottom of it. Like,  why did I act that way? Why did I do that? Why did I answer that way? Why didn’t I? So the two types of disappointment we were dealing with today was  one client was disappointed that she didn’t perform in the interview the way she wanted to. She’s seeing in hindsight she could she definitely needed to do a few things that she didn’t do.  The other client was  disappointed with herself because she had gotten a referral.  from somebody and she didn’t follow through with the referral opportunity.  And  when we got to the real bottom of these problems, it was fear, right? Like my one client was afraid that she was gonna get the opportunity and then fail at it. So she failed ahead of time.  And then  the other client was afraid that she  was gonna make that same mistake again,  right? And she was. Like  the fear is there because you don’t know how to get to the bottom of it.  But once you kind of look your fear in the face,  you see it’s not the end of the world. You see it’s something manageable. It’s something tangible that we can do something with.  You can reframe it, think about it differently, and then you move on from that. You don’t just get over it. You actually build yourself up from it. So you use it  to get stronger. You become stronger.  So it’s like you  rebuild the muscle because yes, when you lift the weight, your muscle breaks and it tears and then it rebuilds  versus if you just lift the weight and you  don’t like,  it’s not very, if you just lift the weight  and you don’t rebuild yourself, you just,  let’s just say you just, you lift the weight, but then the muscle doesn’t heal. Then it’s just like an open wound. And then it hurts if somebody comes at it or like touches it or you have to go lift weights again. You’re going to not want to, right? Because you haven’t allowed yourself to heal. So the way that you heal is by actually learning the lesson and seeing the purpose in the lesson. So the purpose for my one client was I’m afraid of succeeding because if I succeed, what if I fail? So what if I get the job and then what if I can’t do it? Right. That’s a very common one. What if I go for another interview and what if I make this mistake again? Right? And it’s like, that will stop them from actually taking action, from actually moving forward. Right? So then  there’s a process that you need to do to very intentionally tell yourself how you’re going to think and feel about this in the future.  So  the alternative solution  is that you’re going to think and feel very on purpose. So by one client, we coached through what if she gets the job and what if she fails?  So we’re like, okay, there’s two options here. you continue to not follow through with referrals and you continue to feel very disappointed in yourself because you didn’t follow through  or you follow through and the possibility still exists that you get the job and you fail at it and then you feel disappointed from that which disappointment would you rather have right  and then for my other client  where we’re like she’s afraid she’s going to make that mistake again there’s a decision there right  she can decide this  was the lesson that is never happening again. This is how I’m going to make sure that I don’t make that exact same mistake again in an interview.  And now that lesson has a purpose. Now it has a very strong meaning behind it.  And the best stories are the best lessons because, you know, we can have really good stories and really happy times all across the board, but  they don’t actually teach us very much.  One of my mentors would say success is a quiet crappy teacher. or no, success is a crappy teacher. Failure is the quiet teacher.  We have to actually excavate the lessons from the failure.  So when you fail, when you don’t have the success that you wanted, there is so much available there that we miss. And when we miss it, we just kind of keep going  and we’re  just telling ourselves to get over it, just to move forward and it doesn’t work. And that’s why we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.  That’s why so many people are going to interview after interview after interview and then just holding up their hand saying, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m qualified.  I’m so qualified. I have everything that they wanted.  I don’t know what I’m going what I’m doing wrong.  It must just be the market. It’s too competitive. Right.  And it’s like there are specific things. There always are. There’s specific things that you could learn from that experience  that will set you up stronger, more powerfully and guarantee you the job in the end. But we miss them. Most people are missing them. Most people are completely missing them and they have a crap mindset and their mindset is just negative.  They’re allowing themselves to be negative and they’re not really rising up and learning what they need to learn to become stronger. So there’s always the option. You can use disappointment to strengthen you or you can use it to weaken you.  And when you get weaker from continued disappointments, you don’t actually gain the lessons that you were meant to gain. So you’re kind of missing the whole point, right? And that, and just adding the suffering on top over and over and over.  So let me recap. The problem is not the disappointment itself. It’s how you  are talking to yourself after you get something that makes you disappointed show up.  The solution that we think it is, is to beat ourselves up. We think, oh, we need to tell ourselves we should have done better  and essentially just give ourselves a lecture for how we should have known. things we couldn’t have ever known.  Then what we do to try to solve our disappointment is we try to tell ourselves to just get over it. Like we can just do that. Like it’s nothing we need help with.  Right. And that’s ridiculous because your brain doesn’t understand what just get over it  means. And it doesn’t it’s not an instruction or a directive that your brain can follow.  So what it ends up doing is just trying to ignore it, trying to not think about it.  The results that creates is you don’t learn the lesson you were supposed to learn from it. You don’t  grasp the value you were supposed to grasp from it.  The actual problem  is how you talk to yourself after you feel experienced disappointment and the layering on top that most of us do.  The actual solution is to learn how to talk to yourself extremely intentionally, lovingly in an encouraging way  and non-judgmentally witness yourself feeling disappointed and why you’re feeling disappointed.  And then the alternative solution is to create narrative around why you may why you feel disappointed.  Identify is it clean disappointment or is it unnecessary suffering? So as I said,  if you went on a job interview and you really felt regulated all out on the table and you did everything you possibly could  and they didn’t select you and they went with someone else, that’s clean disappointment. If you went to the interview  and you really have a lot of things that you knew you could have done better and you can see how you could have changed the outcome, and you see how you quote unquote should have done all these other things,  that is layering on top of the disappointment of already having an unfavorable outcome.  And that is what can be actually transformed into learning  and growth.  So it’s like compost instead of throwing something in the garbage, which this is actually a really good metaphor. It’s like when you get a disappointing outcome, you can throw it in the garbage. be like I’m done with that I never want to see it again it’s gone don’t ever talk to me about it just get over it walk away  or you can turn it and you can throw it in the compost instead and what happens with the compost is it will regenerate it will it’ll turn into  mulch which turns into healthy earth which will then have something else growing from it right nothing grows in the landfill things grow in the compost  so treat your disappointments like compost not like garbage because there was always something there that you get to grow from.  So why this works better? Because this is what creates  the juice of the journey, right? So I know nobody wants the uncomfortable feelings.  They just want to feel like, oh, we just breeze through, we get the job, it’s easy, we don’t have to do anything. Well,  that’s not how it works.  OK, especially when things change outside of us, we need to get stronger internally. And so this is why this work is more important than ever. But the reason it works better,  so many reasons,  but you get to grow and you get to see your own growth and you get to be stronger. You get to know that whatever comes your way you’ll know how to talk to yourself, you’ll know how to manage your emotions,  you’ll know how to compost whatever it was that happened into something that will sprout and help you later down the road.  There there’s no way that doesn’t happen if you compost your disappointment versus throwing it out.  So  that’s how I would recommend you process your disappointment. So my goal for this is that you feel,  you can still feel the disappointment and I recommend you still feel it. I have tools for processing emotions.  My tool of choice right now is EFT tapping.  I love it.  I can literally change how I feel  in a session of tapping.  And if you don’t know what tapping is, check out Brad Yates on YouTube. He has some really good tapping videos for  virtually every topic.  But.  tapping will help you to change.  The goal of tapping is that you go through a round and then  you feel the feeling. So say you’re feeling really, really disappointed. You do a round of tapping  and then you actually check the feeling. How do you feel directly after that?  And you rate the feeling on a one to 10 scale. Maybe you’re feeling a 10 disappointment. It feels really strong. And then you do a round of tapping.  and  you can lessen the feeling. So maybe it’s at a seven or maybe it’s at a five right or sometimes it’s completely gone depending on how strong it was to start with right.  So  there’s tools you can use to process  what I call the clean emotion right and then the the I don’t call it dirty emotion but it’s like the unnecessary suffering it is like dirty emotion it’s like is the stuff that you layer on top with your own brain that is completely unnecessary and unneeded. um So going back to that example of like if you’re going to put your hand up on a rock, like if you’re climbing a mountain, you go put your hand up on a rock and you get slapped every time you put your hand out because you position it wrong or whatever.  Or maybe you fall, right? Like you grab it and then the rock comes off or whatever.  You get scared and then you say, oh, I shouldn’t have put my hand that way. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have taken the step. I shouldn’t have grabbed so hard on that. I shouldn’t have done it.  is very different than you doing the exact same thing and then telling yourself, okay, well now you know exactly where not to put your hand next time. You know exactly how to grip a little bit differently next time.  Now you have more information. Now you have more um wisdom. Now you can position yourself better.  Imagine if you’re talking to yourself like that all day, right? And you’re just telling yourself, okay, no problem. That was a good try. You put yourself out there. That was courageous. Now,  now I want you to do it this way. the new information I want you to approach it this way right  and I want you to make sure you never put your hand on that specific spot again because obviously there’s no grip there or whatever right  so  so different you can change how you feel and how you  talk to yourself and that will change the trajectory of how quickly you get results and how quickly you advance and how quickly you grow  and how quickly you get where you want to get  and  realizing that where you are right now My mentor would say this and I hated it so much, but I get it. She would say, where you are now is no different than where you want to be. You have problems now. You’re going to have other problems that are different at the next level. They’re just going to be different problems.  And I’m like, I don’t want those problems. I want the new problems. And it’s like, yeah, you’re going to have them.  And the only reason you’re going to be able to deal with them is because you’ve got through these ones.  So that being said, the job search, it’s like, it’s just like, I feel like everybody hates it so much.  I actually really love it. I think it’s a journey  to build up your strength in such a way  that a lot of people don’t have the courage or the capability to do because they will settle, they will do something,  they will make decisions from fear based brain, they will, you know,  let their survival brain take over and then they will evolve and expand to the ability and the potential that they really have.  So that being said,  work with me inside my program.  We will get to the bottom of this.  I’m not, I don’t sugarcoat things or tell you that it’s going to be really easy.  But I do tell you that you’re capable and I stand firmly  with the fact that you can do it and I’ve walked people through it hundreds of times. So  I know that no matter what it is your situation is  that you are fully capable, my friend. I will talk to you next week.