Imagine you were starting to date someone, and from day one they had you jumping through hoops to prove you’re good enough, not respecting your time, and messing you around. This is the behavior of somebody who doesn’t value you. Now, if you valued yourself, this person would be yesterday’s news and you’d be out there living your best life instead, right?
Whether it’s in relationships or in their work, one of the biggest mistakes I see people making is they don’t value themselves. This is especially frustrating to see when the person doing it doesn’t realize that they’re not valuing themselves through their actions. They accept nondefinitive answers, they take low offers, they get messed around with scheduling, and it needs to stop.
When you really think about it, do you know how much you value yourself? I’m sharing stories from my personal life and my clients’ professional lives of why everything changes when you get clear on your value and what you have to offer. Discover how to see where your behavior is not currently reflecting your true value and reverence for yourself.
Are you tired of going from job interview to job interview and not getting an offer? I’ve put together a free download that breaks down the reasons this might be happening. It’s called The 8 Reasons You’re Not Getting Hired and I will help you figure it out. Click here to get it!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
- How not knowing your own value shows up in your personal and professional life.
- Why valuing yourself always leads to higher-quality opportunities.
- How to see where you’re tolerating yourself instead of truly valuing yourself.
- Why putting up with others not valuing you and your time makes it so much more difficult to value yourself.
- The desperate energy we can show up with when we don’t have a clear idea of our value.
- How to decide on your value and show up reflecting that value in any situation.
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- Ep #89: Inner Work Vs. Outer Work
This is the Get a 6-Figure Job You Love Podcast. This is episode 97, how to know how much you value yourself. Stay tuned. Hey there. Welcome to the Get a 6-Figure Job You Love Podcast. I’m your host, Natalie Fisher. I’m a certified career mindset coach who also happens to want to skip all the BS and get to what it really takes to create real results for you and your career. On this podcast, you will create real mindset shifts that will lead to big results and big changes in your career and your income. No fluff here. If you want to get a six figure job you love and create real concrete results in your industry and make a real impact, you’re in the right place. Are you ready? Let’s go. Hello. So if there’s one thing that drives me absolutely crazy is when people don’t value themselves, but they keep justifying why they’re accepting why they’re doing certain things and they don’t see it that way.
They’re like, I don’t know, I am valuing myself. It’s just that this, this, this and this. So in this podcast, I’m going to make it super clear, there will be no mistake about whether or not your actions or your behavior signifies whether you’re valuing yourself or whether you are tolerating something. So I like to use the dating analogies. So if you started dating someone and they did any of the following things when you first started seeing them, or even if you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time and they are doing certain things, but if you just start dating someone and they don’t call you back after they said they were going to, days or weeks go by, they don’t call you. They drag their feet on deciding whether or not they want a second date. They’re indecisive. They don’t know what they’re doing. They keep flip flopping, being wishy washy saying, “Yeah, maybe. I might have plans over here. I’ll let you know.”
They keep their dating profile up and they keep their statuses available online even while you’re not sure what’s going on with you two. They put you through a whole bunch of hoops trying to prove you’re good enough, right? Or they ask you a bunch of questions and it comes from this energy of like, well, I don’t know. I’ve got to decide. I’m not really sure what I want yet. So yeah, I’m not really sure what this is yet because I don’t really know. I don’t want to commit. I’m scared. I don’t know, right? They’re late. They don’t respect your time. They mess you around with plans. This is the behavior of somebody who isn’t sure about you, quite frankly is not that into you. And I’ll tell you what happens. I’m going to bring it into the career scenario in a minute. It’s going to be so clear. But scenario one, if you value yourself, you would immediately move on, forget about them.
They would already be yesterday’s news. You’d be going on other dates attracting better, higher quality, potential partners, living your best life, knowing how amazing you are and knowing that you don’t have time for any of that crap. And I’ll give you an example. I went on a date with somebody and I liked him, I thought things went well. And we were having a conversation after the date. We were seeing if we could set up our next date and then he just stopped responding to me. And two days went by and nothing. And I was like, what? Anyway. So two days later, he responds and he goes, “Oh, sorry. My roommate accidentally took my phone to work with him and he works night shift so I couldn’t get it back until now.” And at that point, I could have been like, oh, that’s okay, no problem. Let’s continue on where we left off. So are we going to hang out this weekend or what? But instead I didn’t reply. I was like, nope, I’m just not going to reply to this person. He obviously could’ve contacted me if he wanted to.
I was like, if you really like somebody, you would go and go to your roommate’s work and get your phone back and you would figure it out and it wouldn’t take two days. So I decided that I wasn’t there for that, I wasn’t available for that and I just didn’t reply and we never spoke again. Who knows where he is at now. So that was a decision in that moment that was made very intentionally because I valued myself at that point so much that I was like, anybody who’s going to leave me hanging in the middle of a conversation for two days for a dumb excuse, I’m not interested in anymore. Scenario two, if you did not value yourself, this is how you would probably respond to somebody who had exhibited the behaviors that I listed in the beginning. They would probably check in with them multiple times to see how they’re
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doing via text. So if they said they were going to call and they didn’t call, they probably keep checking in and be like, hey, what’s up?
They would probably wait for them to call or text back before going on more dates. They’d be like, well, I’m waiting for this person. I really like this person. They’re probably busy making excuses for the person, right? They’d probably tell people excitedly about this person saying, yeah, I’m just waiting to hear back from them. Then we’re going to be going on a date, then it’s going to be great. You would probably tell yourself that they forgot to take their phone or their profile down and that they will take it down soon, and that they probably had a good reason for why they couldn’t. And you’ll make up really good reasons in your head justifying for this person or tell yourself that they probably lost their phone or their phone died and that they’ll call you when they get a new one or they get that thing sorted out. Or you tell yourself that they just want to be really sure. So the hoops they’re making you jump through are totally legitimate because they had a past relationship that wasn’t very good and they’re kind of wary of committing, so it’s totally fine.
And they need to get the information that they need and that that’s okay, and you just want to show them that you’re the person and that it’s okay. And you would justify for them their actions and you would believe that their behavior was legitimate. And this is the rationalization and the mind of somebody who isn’t really valuing themselves because what’s clear as day here is, and when you don’t value yourself, you can’t see this, but what is clear as day is they are not that into you. If they were, their behavior would be different. I don’t care what excuses you would make for them, they’re just not that into you. And they’re not a high quality individual that you want to be spending your time and energy on anyway because they’re showing up like this now, which is the beginning of the relationship. Imagine how they’re going to show up further on in the relationship when they don’t even have to be on their best behavior.
This is the point of the relationship where they should be showing you their best behavior. And if this is their best, what’s going to happen after. You’re just going to be constantly putting up with less, tolerating, chasing, proving. It’s going to be miserable and so many people are in that situation. And I was too and I almost fell again into it twice, but I saw it. I saw it super clearly the next times because I’d learned, right? Another one was where it was going really well. We really liked each other, but he never made plans with me. I was always the one saying, “Okay. So are we going to hang out on Tuesday? Are we going to be hanging out on Friday or what are we going to do?” And he would just be like, “Yeah. Okay, sure.” But he never initiated anything and I was getting to the point where like, okay, well, he’s good with everything I want to do, but he’s not really showing any initiative. And if I didn’t, then he might at the last minute be like, “Oh, hey. You want to hang out tonight?”
But it seemed like a backup, like it wasn’t really important to him. So I did ask, I was like, “Okay. So how do you actually feel about me?” This has been like two months of dating and he’s like, “I’ve already told you.” And I was like, “No, you actually have not told me.” And I’m like, “I think I’d remember if you’d told me.” And then I was like, “Would you mind telling me again because I’m not really sure.” Really hard to ask that question, really nerve wracking to ask him how he felt about me so that he could actually give an answer because I would say to him, I’d be like, “I really like you.” And he’d be like, “I really like you too.” But it wasn’t ever him saying anything. So I just asked him and he was like, “I already told you.” And then I’m like, “Well, can you please tell me again because I don’t really know where we stand.” And he got really avoidant. He was like, “Well, I’m just dealing with other problems right now and I can’t handle this.”
And he got up and he left, like walked away, walked out of the room and I was like, huh, okay. Nope. Again at the first sign of a red flag, and this was probably a little late, that being said, probably should have seen it earlier, but no, this was not what I wanted. Even though I really liked him and was really
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hard, right? You could be in a situation where you have an organization that you really want to work for and they seem really great and you really want to give them all the benefit of the doubt, and because you really want them, you want to be wrong, right? You really want to be wrong and for them to really choose you, but then they don’t and it’s like the sooner you face that reality, the better off you are. And when you get in the habit of just being like, nope, nope, nope, you get to open up to the most amazing life ever because then it comes in.
So how this works for the job searches, this translates into you go in an interview with a company and they do any of the following things. They don’t call you back and they don’t give you any updates on the status of the position, even though maybe they said they would. They give you non-definitive answers when it comes to a second interview to be set up, or if there is going to be a second interview. They keep reposting the position and you keep seeing it. You hear conflicting information from different people in the organization. They put you through a bunch of hoops, like time consuming assignments, multiple interviews, like half a day long interviews, time consuming projects, or really taking up a lot of your time. They’re late, they don’t respect your time. They mess you around with scheduling. I had one client who’s like, “Yeah. I went to one building and then they’re like, oh no, we’re in the other building.” And they made her run around like three or four times.
So any of this stuff, and if you feel like this isn’t looking good, you get to make the decision to reject them for being disorganized or for not respecting your time, right? And there’s one caveat on the assignments and the hoops and stuff like that. Sometimes that stuff can be valuable for you. You can definitely get something out of it because you can see what they’re looking for. You can actually use it as a learning experience for yourself to apply in other interviews. So that’s not all bad all the time. Sometimes that’s very useful for both sides. But if you feel like it’s getting extreme, if it’s getting too much and like say you have a full-time job and you have kids or something and you’re like, well, I can’t spend half a day doing this assignment, then you have to honor yourself first, is my point. But same thing. In scenario one, if you valued yourself, you’d forget and move on.
You’d be interviewing with other companies, getting better and better, higher quality opportunities, seeing what else is out there, living your best life, honoring yourself knowing you’re amazing, knowing with full belief, 100% that you are going to be in the most amazing company in the most amazing role and that that just wasn’t it. Scenario two, if you didn’t know how to value yourself yet, you’d be thinking about them a lot. You’d be following up multiple times. You’d be asking, hmm, should I follow up? You’d be talking to other people like, “Oh, should I follow up with them? How long should I wait?” You’d wait for them to call you back before actively applying and engaging with other better suited opportunities. You wouldn’t go out looking for them until you got an answer from this company. You would tell everybody about it and say, “I’m just waiting to hear back from them. I’m just waiting to hear back from them.” You would tell yourself that they probably forgot to take the posting down or that their HR department is just really busy.
You’d tell yourself that they got caught up with other things and other hiring and that they’re going to get to you soon. You’d tell yourself that they just want to be really sure. So the hoops that you’re going through are totally legit and you’re happy to keep proving yourself and showing them. And sometimes they can go on and on and it’s like one thing and then it’s another thing and then it’s another thing and then you’re like, okay, come on. So if you’re not valuing yourself, you’re probably going through all that and them being like, yeah, yeah, this is fine, when really it’s a lot of your personal time. You’re justify for them and their actions and their behaviors instead of cutting the cord and being like onto the next. This is not working for me already. It’s not working for me this early, it’s probably not going to work for me. So what does your behavior reflect? Does it reflect a deep value and reverence for yourself or does it honestly reflect a low value for yourself?
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And this is the clearest way I have to put it because it’s very concrete. It’s like if you justify these behaviors from other people, from companies, from the people you surround yourself in your life, and there’s a difference between these behaviors and boundaries with people you have relationships with, that’s different, but there’s always a way to value yourself. And it doesn’t mean being mean to other people or getting mad about it or resentful about it or saying how unfair it is, it just means this is just not for me because I’ve decided and I get to decide that. So this is essentially the secret to knowing if you’re valuing yourself. It’s going to show up in your behavior and it’s going to show up in what you have in your life. And the people that always stand out and get hired are always the people who value themselves the most. They have the highest belief in themselves and the highest belief in their ability to get results in the role and they need it less.
So this is where you need to do your own work. And it’s like, well, why does it matter if I value myself? I don’t have to, I can do what I want. Yes, but when you do, you end up getting things that you don’t really want and then you end up complaining, settling for a lower level quality of life. And you end up in neediness, right? Like, oh, I need that. And the people who get hired always need the job less. So if you’ve ever thought things like, if I don’t get this, I’m just going to give it up. If I don’t get the job by this day, I’m going to give up, or if I don’t get the raise or if I don’t get the job, then this just clearly isn’t meant for me, this is a symptom that you’re asking other people like hiring managers, recruiters, mentors or networking connections to validate you. You’re asking people to validate you by either giving you the job or I see it like approving of your resume or approving of your stories, right?
And as long as you are in validation mode, like when you get a big dopamine hit when someone validates you, then this is a big symptom that you’re not validating yourself enough, right? Because if you are validating yourself, somebody can come along and be like, oh yeah, we’re going to hire you. And instead of being like, oh my God, that’s so great. That means I’m worth something now, or thank God, I’m relieved. That means I’m okay, I’m doing things right, I’m a worthy human, you’d be like, great, excited to get started. Of course, you’re hiring me. Who else would you want to hire? So the symptom of not valuing yourself is looking for that validation somewhere else, right? And I’ve had a lot of clients who were like, well, I just need you to review my stories or I know how you like it to look specific. And it’s like, this is not for me, this is for you. And the only reason I say I’m requiring this of you is because I know you’re capable of more and I know how to do it.
So I just wanted to help you. So let me ask you this, if you were to go in for a surgery with a surgeon and you could sense or you could feel that the surgeon was dependent upon you to approve of them and they wanted validation from you before they did the surgery, would you feel comfortable with that? So you can imagine if you go into an interview situation and you are energetically seeking approval, looking for approval from them, how comfortable are they going to be to put you in charge of something, to trust you with something inside the company? It doesn’t bleed out trust in your energy or in how you’re being, right? And the doctor example really sums that up. It’s like, you want that doctor to know what they’re doing. And even on Grey’s Anatomy, when they don’t know, like they haven’t done something before, they are still incredibly confident about it, right? So in one situation, I think that Dr. Grey was going to do a surgery on somebody’s brain and he said, “Well, where are you going to start?”
And she said, “I don’t know. No surgeon would. We have to get in there and then I have to see these things and then I’ll decide.” Right? But she said that so confidently knowing that I haven’t ever done this before. I’ve never removed a tumor specifically like yours before, but that’s okay, right? And she was able to exude that confidence instead of being like, well, no, I don’t know where to start. Is that okay with you that I don’t know where to start? I’ll have to figure that out. I hope I can do it. Do you think I can do it? Exaggerating, but even if you’ve never done something before, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be very confident going into it, knowing that you will figure it out once you get in there and you have more information to make decisions based on that information, right? So we can’t go into an
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interview hoping and needing validation from somebody else or needing the job and expect them to put all their trust in us, right?
Would you be really excited and would it be your first choice to go to a university that needed your tuition money to stay in business? Probably not, right? If you think of this in any situation, if you go to a store and you want something, them needing your business really, really badly is not an attractive thing. It doesn’t make you want to give it to them, right? It’s more like charity. It’s like when you’re giving someone charity or you are pitting somebody or you’re feeling sorry for somebody, then you might give them money or you might buy something from them. You might do that, but you’re not going to be like, that’s the person I want in charge of my organization, that’s the person I want in charge of my department. That’s the opposite of what you’re thinking, right? So it’s not going to work when you’re coming from that way of being.
And this way of being shows up when you are not valuing yourself, when you’re not giving yourself appropriate credit for your past accomplishments, when you’re not seeing the value that you have already brought, when you’re not feeling the confidence that you should be feeling and are completely entitled to feel when we look at the facts of what you’ve actually done in your life, which is what we do in my program. We bring this all to the surface and it’s the first thing we do. So if it’s not your first choice to buy from someone who really needs your business, or to go to a school that really needs your tuition money, or to go to a doctor that really needs you to validate them and approve of them before they can feel confident to do surgery on you, then it’s time to take a good look at why you’re doing what you’re doing. Why are you in the profession you’re in? What is it that makes you passionate about this? Why do you even care?
When you go back to your why, every time you interview, it should be for the service of the organization, for the sake of you being able to serve with the skills that you’ve developed, with the knowledge you have, with what you want to bring and contribute. So it’s not to manipulate people into hiring you so that they can have permission to believe that you’re good enough or capable enough so that you can have that permission. It’s your responsibility to believe in you and yours alone, right? It’s nobody else’s job to believe in you. It’s nice when people do, but it’s not even the way that it happens, right? You have to have that belief in yourself first. So when I was in my past relationship and I started my business, he didn’t believe in anything because he couldn’t see it yet, right? And he was like, I had to be the one who saw the vision. I had to be the one that saw it first before he could get on board with it.
And he was very negative so he was, of course, still going on about like, “Oh, well, that’s probably not going to work. That’s probably not going to work.” And I’d be like, “You know what? Just watch me, just watch me. Just sit back and watch.” Because I was determined to make it work. So when you carry yourself in a different way, in a different energy, when you’re confident and even if you’ve never done something before, you know that you’re going to be able to figure it out, people will start to then value you and believe in you because you started it. You believed it first and belief is an energy. You instruct other people how to treat you with your innermost thoughts and feelings about yourself. And if your innermost thoughts and feelings about yourself are ones of low value, are ones that are willing to lead you to tolerating behavior that is clearly not acceptable, then you will be able to be smelled from miles away.
They’re going to smell you. They’re going to know it, right? So you can’t hide it. Even though people think they can, it’s not possible to hide it. You need to do the inner work. So there’s a podcast on inner work versus outer work. You can go check that out. But yeah, the inner work needs to be done. And that’s what we do inside The Six-Figure Curriculum. And that’s why people start getting the results that they’re getting because they realize the difference between this, right? They realize all those little things that they’ve been doing that show that they haven’t been valuing themselves. And then they can quickly
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pivot once they’re aware and they can start showing up in the world as someone who values themselves, someone who believes in themselves, someone who knows they’re capable and able to figure things out even if they’ve never done it before. And that will change the way that people respond to them.
It magnetizes people to them. Instead of repelling people with the energy of, I need approval. I’m not really sure of myself and that can’t be hidden. Even if there’s a hint of that or a whiff of that, it’s going to come across, especially when other candidates are interviewing for the same positions, it’s just not something you can afford to keep around. And that’s something you want because you’ll end up settling for something less, you’ll end up complaining about it. And until you fix this problem, which is the first thing we do. That is why the first module inside my program is intentional self-confidence and it walks you through exactly how to tackle this. And you will become more confident on demand, after you start doing this exercise. And you’ll start attracting higher quality opportunities. That is what my clients inside the program are saying is that they attract higher quality opportunities simply from feeling differently in this way and showing up differently in this way.
So I will see you in there. If you haven’t joined, what are you doing? Get on in there. And I will see you. We have the live coaching calls on Tuesday. I can’t wait for you to come on. Myself or my head coach will be on there. We will be coaching you. I will be in the LinkedIn community answering your questions and providing more laser coaching. So if you like what you hear, if you like what you see, get on in there and let’s do it. All right. I will talk to you next week. Bye.
I’ve come to Natalie for help because every time I’d interview, I wouldn’t have the one thing. I was always missing the one thing. So I’d go on interviews, I’d get to like the third round and then they wouldn’t choose me. And I just said, okay, so clearly it’s not knowing it isn’t the thing, right? Clearly my talking about what I did know was not coming across as knowledgeable enough. Clearly I’m not showing my skillset somehow. Turn that around to where you show your value, I think that it’s so much easier to have that confidence in your voice. And I feel that now that I have this formula that you’ve given me, Natalie, of thinking, the value of what my project does and the value that I bring and the return for the company versus what I cost, this is this great little formula. No, this equals confidence. And so I’m really happy to be able to take that with me and share that because that’s what got me the money, right? You need to hire Natalie. She’s like the best. She’s the best.
If I were to sum it up, I would say the most common thing people come to me with is, I’m going on interview after interview after interview and I’m not getting the offer. What am I doing wrong? So I’ve put together a freebie where you can get this download completely free. It has the eight reasons that this is happening. And I break down each reason very specifically and how to fix it. So to grab that download, the link is in the show notes. You can click on that link, you just have to enter your information. It’s called the 8 Reasons You’re Not Getting Hired, and I will help you figure that out. I will see you in the freebie. Okay. Talk to you soon.
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